BayDad » Parenting

Special Days with Dad

howard — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 17:04:08 +0000

Bryan in his rocket ship

When my oldest, Ethan, was four, and Mom was on bed-rest, pregnant with twins, we started doing “Special Days with Dad.” Just me and him. Undivided attention. Breakfast out, maybe a trip to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk or Happy Hollow (sadly closed till Fall ’09). Whatever you want to do, kid, it’s your day.

When the twins got to be about four, we turned this into a nearly annual tradition for each kid, typically on a three-day weekend (which works out rather nicely with three kids). We rotate who goes first. The planning and anticipation of it as nearly as much fun as the day itself.

The rules are pretty simple:

You get to do whatever you want.
I’m buying. Toy shopping sprees are off-limits, but shopping for a craft that we will do together is encouraged.

We just had our Special Days this past Labor Day weekend. Ethan and I went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium and saw the new juvenile white shark. Katie wanted to see the flowers at the San Francisco Conservatory of Flowers, then have sushi in Japan Town (she’s my only kid that likes sushi), then walk around Chinatown and go to the Fortune Cookie Factory. Bryan loves to build stuff, so after breakfast at Peninsula Creamery (his favorite place for french toast), we went to the hardware store, bought PVC pipe, and made a rubber-band powered marshmallow shooter (which turned out to be more of a marshmallow squisher, but we’re still working on it…). Then he wanted to end the day with nine holes of golf.

A few years ago, Bryan wanted to build a rocket ship, so we found an old refrigerator cardboard box and cut and painted it. Another year, he wanted to sit in front of Jamba Juice and play with Pokémon cards (which, if you really spend time to learn the rules, is a surprisingly fun and involved game; we played for three hours…).

The thing I love most about Special Days with Dad is how well the kids respond to the undivided attention. We have sparkling, insightful conversations. They are polite and well-behaved, I think because they understand what “Special” really means. And most of all, it really lets them be who they want to be and do what they want to do, without having to compromise with their siblings’ desires. There are 364 other days for that…

The Why Game

estephen — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 04:26:44 +0000

My son Sammy is nearly three, and his favorite question is “why?” I thought it was just a cliché, but no, apparently two-year-olds really do commonly go through this phase.

It’s easy to get exhausted with the constant questioning, but I don’t want to discourage his curiosity. So to keep me engaged, I’ve turned it into a game now (just for me), and here are the rules:

For every answer you give that prompts your child to ask “why” again, score one point and continue playing.
If your child is confused, can’t or doesn’t understand, or changes topics, stop. You lose. Score no points.
If your answer has to involve fundamental physics, graduate level psychology, or the answer “because” or “why not” (or variations thereof), stop, you lose, score no points.
If your child accepts your answer and appears to understand it, and doesn’t ask why in response, stop the game, you win. Total your score. See if you can beat it next time!

Here’s a recent example game:

Dad: Look, there’s a new building being built.
Sammy: Why?
Dad: Probably they want to make a nice new store for people to shop in.
Sammy: Why? (Score one point!)
Dad: Well, people like to buy things.
Sammy: Why? (Score one point!)
Dad: Hmm. Well, because sometimes you need diapers or food or clothes. So then you have to go to a store and buy them.
Sammy: Why? (Score one point!)
Dad: Uh… OK, because, well, you see, I don’t make diapers or food or clothes, so since we need them, we have to give people money, and then in exchange they give us the things we want.
Sammy: Why? (Score one point!)
Dad: Oh! Because when you go to a store, the people that work there have to let you buy things with money.
Sammy: Why? (Score one point!)
Dad: Well, that’s their job.
Sammy: Why? (Score one point!)
Dad: Well, they must work there to earn money.
Sammy: I want to watch a show. (Change of topic — LOSE ALL POINTS!)
Dad: No, no show tonight, sorry.
Sammy: Why?
Dad: Shows are special treats.
Sammy: Why? (New game, score one point!)
Dad: Because you shouldn’t watch too many shows. You already got to watch yesterday.
Sammy: Why? (Score one point!)
Dad: Because yesterday you did a good job at naptime, so you got a special treat.
Sammy: I didn’t cry! (Game over, final score, two points!)

My record so far is eight.

Trips with a Destination

howard — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 19:15:40 +0000

One of my favorite things to do is go on local trips with my kids where the mode of the journey is as much fun as the destination. Some of my favorites have been:

Ride bikes from Palo Alto, over the pedestrian bridge near Oregon Ave. crossing 101 (stopping to wave at the cars!), and have lunch or ice cream at the Lakeside Café at Shoreline. Once, the little legs still had lots of energy after lunch, so we kept riding to Shoreline Cinemas to see a movie.

Take Caltrain up to San Mateo, have lunch there, then visit Talbott’s Toyland and see the model train displays.

Take Light Rail to San Jose to the Tech Museum of Innovation.

What cool places do you like to go to that let you avoid using the car?

Blackberry Parenting

howard — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 18:55:22 +0000

It’s yet another spectacular Saturday morning in Palo Alto – sunny, 72 degrees… The 7-year-olds are playing “bunch ball.” Some call it soccer, others “futbol,” but who are they kidding? It’s a bunch of kids bunched around a ball, coercing its motion jointly.

My friend’s daughter breaks free from the clump and makes a spectacular pass upfield. I shout “Nice pass, Sarah!” (not her real name) and turn to my friend, one lawn chair away, to share the parenting joy. Hearing me shout his daughter’s name, his head pops up from the Blackberry and he shouts “Way to go, Sarah!” in the general direction of the field. He looks at me and smiles sheepishly, as though to say “Phew! Close one. But I still get credit for being here. Thanks!”

Now I’m at Cub Scouts. The boys are building something that requires just a little more manual dexterity than a 2nd grade boy has. Most of the dads are helping, gently guiding their sons’ use of the hammer. One dad’s Blackberry buzzes. He whips it off his belt faster than a shootout in a spaghetti western. Two hands on the Blackberry, none on the bird house. His son barely notices. He must be used to it. Then the dad dials, and begins talking about the indemnity terms in section 7. I tap him on the shoulder and ask him to go outside. He returns 10 minutes later and says “Sorry… trying to close a deal” as if I would totally understand.

It’s Blackberry Parenting. Take the typical addiction to the Blackberry (or iPhone, or Sidekick…) and cross it with a driven, type-A Silicon Valley lifestyle. I can be a great parent, be there for my kids and still be at work, and do a great job at both.

Well, guess what, busy Bay Area Parents – it’s an illusion. When you are on your death bed, you will not remember the email that you replied to, nor the deal that you closed. But you will remember the excited pride your daughter had when she made that great pass and looked up to share it with you. And maybe closing the deal happened an hour or a day later than you had hoped, but your son will remember finishing the bird house with you, not showing it to you when you finished with your call.

So put the smart phones down, and enjoy the serendipitous moments with your kids. Make eye contact with your child, not with the LCD screen. Let them know that you are there for them, and them only.